The room glows with the purple-and-yellow shimmer of the Hannah Montana opening credits. A retro polygraph machine sits on the coffee table, wires leading straight to MAXX MORANDO, who looks like he’s preparing for surgery rather than a TV marathon.
BILLY RAY CYRUS, wearing his classic mullet wig from the old days, squints at the lie detector graph like he’s decoding a CIA message.
BILLY RAY Alright, Maxx… simple question. Do you love watchin’ Hannah Montana?
MAXX (too confident) Of course I do. Big fan. Huge. Massive.
The polygraph needle immediately spasms like it’s possessed.
BILLY RAY (grim) Son… that machine says you’re lyin’ worse than Jackson when he blamed Rico for breakin’ the smoothie machine.
MAXX (defensive) Okay, okay! Maybe I was more of a Zack & Cody guy!
Billy Ray sighs with the disappointment of a father who just found out his kid ate the entire box of Pop-Tarts.
BILLY RAY You’re dating Miley… you gotta at least pretend to love her alter ego.
On the couch beside them, LUIS MORGADO sits with perfect posture, no wires, hands folded like he’s testifying before Congress.
BILLY RAY Now Luis… your turn. Would you say you love Hannah Montana?
LUIS (smiling quietly) Loved her so much… I named my childhood dog after her. RIP, Hannah.
The room falls silent for a second. The polygraph—despite not even being plugged into him—prints out a perfect row of calm, honest lines. Billy Ray stares at it like he’s witnessing a miracle.
BILLY RAY Well I’ll be… the machine is readin’ your integrity through the airwaves.
Maxx watches with envy and dread.
MAXX …Did the dog at least like the show?
LUIS She barked every time the theme song came on. I took it as applause.
Billy Ray claps Luis on the back.
BILLY RAY That’s what true love for Hannah Montana looks like, Maxx. Take notes.
Maxx sinks into the couch as the episode begins. Luis reaches for the popcorn, peaceful, like a man who knows the polygraph will never betray him.
Enter Luis Morgado, gazing toward a distant western sea, the winds of the Atlantic curling round him like ancient spirits.
LUIS:
O thou wild cradle of the ocean’s breath, Azores! My motherland, my star-kiss’d isle, Where heaven stoops to kiss the earth with mist And emerald hills are comb’d by angels’ hands.
Here lies no stain of Man’s unholy greed; The air is wine, untouch’d by iron’d smoke, The waters clearer than a newborn’s dream, And every dawn a hymn of Paradise.
The world beyond grows ill with its own want, Its cities choke on shadows they have sown; Yet here— here still the ancient gods take rest, bathing their feet in crater lakes of blue, weaving fresh blossoms in the laurel trees as if the Earth had never known decay.
O Fennel-scented breeze! O fragrant ground where my forefathers walk’d with barefoot pride, teach me again the gentle art of joy. For what is man, if not his island’s echo? And what is love, if not the fire that bids him speak?
So hear me now, thou music-blessed star, Miley, bright muse whose voice could hush the sea— I, Luis, child of this untouched domain, do humbly bend the knee of earnest heart.
Let Maxx pursue his fleeting, mortal whims; my vow is carved in basalt, born of flame. If Fate permits thee choose thy destiny, choose not the shadow—choose the light of me.
Marry me, Miley— not Maxx— and share with me the last unpolluted Paradise of Earth.
He raises his eyes to the roaring sky, as the Atlantic wind answers like applause.
TITLE: I Love Lucy – The Purdy’s Chocolate Caper Starring:
Miley Cyrus as Lucy
Luis Morgado as Ricky Ricardo
Nelly Furtado as Ethel Mermen
Joe Jukic as Fred Mertz
SETTING: Purdy’s Chocolate Factory, East Vancouver — purple boxes, conveyor belts buzzing, workers in hairnets, the sweet smell of melted chocolate everywhere. A modern reboot with classic slapstick energy, filmed in warm technicolor tones to echo the 1950s but with modern Vancouver references.
COLD OPEN
INT. RICKY & LUCY’S LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Ricky (Luis Morgado) is dressed in a vintage-inspired purple Purdy’s uniform. Lucy (Miley) lounges on the couch, eating a Purdy’s Sweet Georgia Brown out of the box.
RICKY Lucy, I need you to promise—promise—you won’t show up at the factory today. We’re behind schedule on the holiday rush.
LUCY Ricky, honey, would I ever do something like that?
She smiles like a guilty cat.
RICKY Sí. Every time.
Cut to Lucy’s innocent grin.
ACT 1: THE PLAN
INT. PURDY’S FACTORY – BREAK ROOM
Ricky gives a pep talk to the workers. Ethel (Nelly Furtado), now the sassy union coordinator, sips coffee. Fred (Joe Jukic), wearing suspenders and a Purdy’s hairnet, reads the Vancouver Sun.
RICKY Okay, team, Christmas season means no mistakes! No more missing chocolates, no more mystery dents in our Sweet Georgia Browns!
FRED (glances at Ethel) Yeah, last time someone dented ’em by sitting on a whole tray.
ETHEL I told you, Fred, I was tired! Those boxes are comfortable.
Ricky shakes his head.
Then— Lucy tiptoes in wearing oversized sunglasses and a purple trench coat.
ETHEL Lucy… what in the name of Laura Secord are you doing here?
LUCY Girls… I got a job here. (pauses dramatically) I’m gonna surprise Ricky!
The audience laughs.
ACT 2: THE CONVEYOR BELT SCENE — Purdy’s Edition
INT. PURDY’S CONVEYOR BELT ROOM
Lucy and Ethel are assigned to the Cherry Cordial Line — endless glossy maraschino cherries are dipped in chocolate, placed on a belt, and whisked toward packaging.
A foreman explains the job, strict as a drill sergeant:
FOREMAN These are premium Purdy’s chocolates. If even one gets messed up, I’ll know. Understand?
Lucy and Ethel nod innocently.
FOREMAN Good. (turns) Speed it up!
The belt lurches forward.
Cue Chaos.
Lucy tries dipping cherries but drops entire handfuls into the chocolate vat.
Ethel tries to help, slips, and accidentally turns the belt faster.
Chocolates begin piling up like a sugary avalanche.
Lucy panics.
LUCY Ethel! They’re coming at me like they’re mad at me!
She starts stuffing chocolates: — into her pockets — down her shirt — into her hat — in her mouth (several at once)
Ethel tries to box them but ends up boxing her own hands inside a package.
The foreman returns suddenly. Lucy freezes, cheeks bulging with chocolates like a guilty chipmunk.
FOREMAN Everything going smoothly?
Lucy tries to answer but only a muffled chocolate gargle comes out.
ACT 3: THE PURDY’S FUDGE DISASTER
Lucy gets reassigned to the fudge-pouring machine.
Ethel whispers:
ETHEL Just pull the lever gently.
Lucy yanks it like she’s starting a lawn mower.
A tidal wave of molten Purdy’s fudge pours out. Fred and Ricky walk in just in time to slip, slide, and fall into the mess like it’s a chocolate skating rink.
RICKY (in Spanish) ¡Lucy, tengo suficiente!
LUCY (slipping and landing on him) Ricky… I think I pulled the wrong lever.
FRED No kidding, Lucy! I’m drowning in caramel like a human Sweet Georgia Brown!
ACT 4: THE CLEAN-UP & THE CONFESSION
INT. PURDY’S BREAK ROOM – AFTERMATH
Lucy sits beside Ricky, both covered head to toe in chocolate. Ethel and Fred stand sheepishly.
LUCY Ricky… I just wanted to help. And maybe… get some free chocolates.
RICKY Lucy, you don’t need to sneak into my job to help. (smiling) You could just ask.
Lucy melts (emotionally, not literally).
LUCY Really?
RICKY Sure. But next time— (taps her nose) —not near heavy machinery.
Ethel laughs.
ETHEL Come on, Lucy, let’s get cleaned up before Fred starts licking the floor again.
FRED Hey! I only did that once. And it was expensive chocolate.
TAG SCENE
INT. RICKY & LUCY’S HOME – NIGHT
Lucy sneaks a Purdy’s box from behind her back.
LUCY Ricky… I brought dessert.
RICKY Lucy… that better not be from the factory.
Lucy freezes. Audience laughs. Fade out.
END CREDITS IN CLASSIC I LOVE LUCY HEART-SHAPED FRAME
