Catching the Goof

Miley: โ€œI hate Goofy. Out of all the Disney mascots, heโ€™s the worst. Absolute worst.โ€

Luis: โ€œWhoaโ€ฆ really? Even worse than Donald?โ€

Miley: โ€œDonaldโ€™s temper is funny. Goofy? Justโ€ฆ chaos wrapped in orange pants. I canโ€™t even.โ€

Joe: (grinning) โ€œYou know what this calls for?โ€

Luis: โ€œWhat?โ€

Joe: โ€œA Disneyland Club 33 vacation.โ€

Miley: (raises an eyebrow) โ€œClubโ€ฆ what now?โ€

Joe: โ€œExclusive. Fancy. Private. And full of mischief.โ€

Luis: โ€œOhhhโ€ฆ I see where this is going.โ€

Joe: โ€œExactly. We let the kids handle Goofy.โ€

Miley: (gasping) โ€œWhat do you mean โ€˜handleโ€™?โ€

Luis: โ€œI meanโ€ฆ a playful beat down. Nothing serious, justโ€ฆ imagine a swarm of pint-sized Avengers giving him a reality check.โ€

Miley: (laughs) โ€œOkayโ€ฆ that might actually be the most fun Iโ€™ve ever had at Disney without losing my wallet.โ€

Joe: โ€œClub 33, child-powered Goofy justice. Itโ€™s settled.โ€

Luis: โ€œLetโ€™s just hope Goofy survives with dignityโ€ฆ somehow. Some of the goofs are just Mexicans sweating in a costume. Not all of them are Jeffrey Epsteinsโ€

Head of the Class: Alcatraz Edition

Duke: (Scanning the horizon with binoculars) The fog is rolling in thick. Perfect cover for the transport. Is the target secure, Morgado?

Luis Morgado: (Tapping a manila folder) Secure is an understatement, Joe. Weโ€™ve got the full docket from the ’24 docuseries plus the new findings from the ’25 investigation. Verbal abuse, toxic environments, and the systemic failure to protect those kids. Itโ€™s all here. Schneiderโ€™s team is still screaming “defamation,” but the evidence says otherwise.

Miley Cyrus: (Leaning against the railing, lighting a cigarette) They always scream defamation until the spotlight gets too hot. Iโ€™ve seen this movie before. These guys think they’re untouchable because they built the sets we grew up on. They think they own the childhoods they sold back to us.

Duke: Not anymore. The Commander-in-Chief made it clear. If the system won’t hold the powerful accountable, heโ€™ll build a system that will. Heโ€™s been talking about “The Rock” for months. Now, itโ€™s a reality.

Luis Morgado: Itโ€™s a bold move. Reopening Alcatraz specifically for “ruthless offenders” caught a lot of people off guard, but Trump loves a symbol. And nothing says “end of the line” like a cell on a cold rock in the middle of the Pacific.

Miley Cyrus: Itโ€™s poetic, isnโ€™t it? He spent his career making kids feel trapped in “fun” environments that were actually nightmares. Now he gets a room with a view of the city heโ€™ll never touch again. No more “massages” from staff, no more power trips. Just the sound of the waves.

Duke: (Into his radio) Eagle One to Transport. You are clear for landing on Alcatraz Island. The President is monitoring the feed from the Oval Office. Ensure the handover to the Bureau of Prisons is seamless.

Luis Morgado: You think this sticks, Joe? The legal battles for a prison like that are going to be endless.

Duke: The President doesn’t care about the “endless.” He cares about the “right now.” He wants the message sent: the exploitation of minors ends on his watch.

Miley Cyrus: (Looking toward the island) Good. Let the fog swallow him up. For every kid who had to keep quiet on those sets just to keep their job… this is for them.

Duke: Mission accomplished. Let’s get off this water.

Hannah Montana Lie Detector

INT. LIVING ROOM โ€“ NIGHT

The room glows with the purple-and-yellow shimmer of the Hannah Montana opening credits. A retro polygraph machine sits on the coffee table, wires leading straight to MAXX MORANDO, who looks like heโ€™s preparing for surgery rather than a TV marathon.

BILLY RAY CYRUS, wearing his classic mullet wig from the old days, squints at the lie detector graph like heโ€™s decoding a CIA message.

BILLY RAY
Alright, Maxxโ€ฆ simple question.
Do you love watchinโ€™ Hannah Montana?

MAXX
(too confident)
Of course I do. Big fan. Huge. Massive.

The polygraph needle immediately spasms like itโ€™s possessed.

BILLY RAY
(grim)
Sonโ€ฆ that machine says youโ€™re lyinโ€™ worse than Jackson when he blamed Rico for breakinโ€™ the smoothie machine.

MAXX
(defensive)
Okay, okay! Maybe I was more of a Zack & Cody guy!

Billy Ray sighs with the disappointment of a father who just found out his kid ate the entire box of Pop-Tarts.

BILLY RAY
Youโ€™re dating Mileyโ€ฆ you gotta at least pretend to love her alter ego.


On the couch beside them, LUIS MORGADO sits with perfect posture, no wires, hands folded like heโ€™s testifying before Congress.

BILLY RAY
Now Luisโ€ฆ your turn.
Would you say you love Hannah Montana?

LUIS
(smiling quietly)
Loved her so muchโ€ฆ I named my childhood dog after her.
RIP, Hannah.

The room falls silent for a second. The polygraphโ€”despite not even being plugged into himโ€”prints out a perfect row of calm, honest lines. Billy Ray stares at it like heโ€™s witnessing a miracle.

BILLY RAY
Well Iโ€™ll beโ€ฆ the machine is readinโ€™ your integrity through the airwaves.

Maxx watches with envy and dread.

MAXX
โ€ฆDid the dog at least like the show?

LUIS
She barked every time the theme song came on.
I took it as applause.

Billy Ray claps Luis on the back.

BILLY RAY
Thatโ€™s what true love for Hannah Montana looks like, Maxx.
Take notes.

Maxx sinks into the couch as the episode begins. Luis reaches for the popcorn, peaceful, like a man who knows the polygraph will never betray him.

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